Monday, March 31, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
waiting
Hau called me out on my negativity. It's true. I don't think I am able to change on my own. While i'm waiting to start I'll continue to feel like a failure. I'm frustrated that I can't just start the Optifast program right now. I make snap decisions (shout out to my Dad) but then I have this increadibly stubborn streak and i'll stick to my decision, even if it was a bad one. I don't think this is a bad idea. I went home on saturday and talked to my parents about my weight loss ( I may dream of cheerleading for others, but my parents are my cheerleaders). My Mom told me a few stories from young Carlee's life about my stubborn streak. I found them funny, Mom less so. I know i'll be able to stick to this program once I start. I have no doubts about that. Do I think it will be hard? Yes. Am I willing to put in the work? Yes.
Why I need help:
I need to learn accountability to myself over my emotions and eating behaviors. I believe that removing the food aspect will allow me to conquor emotional eating behavior through counseling and group meetings. I need the weekly weigh ins for the accountability (accountability is a big theme in my life).
I changed my shift for Monday just so I could call and schedule my appointment with the doctor in the morning. One step closer tomorrow.
Why I need help:
I need to learn accountability to myself over my emotions and eating behaviors. I believe that removing the food aspect will allow me to conquor emotional eating behavior through counseling and group meetings. I need the weekly weigh ins for the accountability (accountability is a big theme in my life).
I changed my shift for Monday just so I could call and schedule my appointment with the doctor in the morning. One step closer tomorrow.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Information session
the info session....was informative. Kinda. Nothing that couldn't be told to me in a nicely posted word document on the web site; there was no need for me to leave class early to go to this meeting.
You have to make an appointment with the program's doctor before you can start...we weren't allowed to make an appointment while at the info meeting. The nurse who makes the appointments doesn't work on Fridays, so I wasn't able to make an appointment today...I have to wait till Monday. Then, the doctor only makes weight loss patient appointments on Tuesday afternoons, so due to back log and the popularity of the program, it may be a couple of weeks till I get an appointment. So till then, the old fashion way. Diet and exercise. I don't know how successful i'll be for these couple of weeks. I can at least accomplish the exercise bit.
Oh, and a bit more of my harangue: they give you a worksheet of the steps you have to to take after the meeting. step one: call insurance company to see if they cover the diagnosis code of "obesity" and get prior authorization. Well, I called my insurance and they don't use diagnosis codes they quote: 'cover medical care based on medical necessity'. Seton's insurance has the doctor in the plan, so i'll only have to pay the copays for that. But, I can't find out the name of the behavior modifier or the licensed therapist to see if they are included in my insurance plan. Hopefully I will be able to find out. The moral of this story: I can't complete step one. I can't tell the scheduler if it will be insurance pay or private pay.
Why won't they just take my money and let me go? Yet again: more info to come.
I did drop the weight lifting class I was taking through ACC. It was not working with my schedule. To compensate for this I joined 24 hour fitness. Nice facilities. I pass 2 Gold's Gyms to get to 24 hour...but 24 hour is month to month through my work corporate account and Gold's is by years, and 24 has a pool.
Truth:
I didn't eat breakfast this morning.
You have to make an appointment with the program's doctor before you can start...we weren't allowed to make an appointment while at the info meeting. The nurse who makes the appointments doesn't work on Fridays, so I wasn't able to make an appointment today...I have to wait till Monday. Then, the doctor only makes weight loss patient appointments on Tuesday afternoons, so due to back log and the popularity of the program, it may be a couple of weeks till I get an appointment. So till then, the old fashion way. Diet and exercise. I don't know how successful i'll be for these couple of weeks. I can at least accomplish the exercise bit.
Oh, and a bit more of my harangue: they give you a worksheet of the steps you have to to take after the meeting. step one: call insurance company to see if they cover the diagnosis code of "obesity" and get prior authorization. Well, I called my insurance and they don't use diagnosis codes they quote: 'cover medical care based on medical necessity'. Seton's insurance has the doctor in the plan, so i'll only have to pay the copays for that. But, I can't find out the name of the behavior modifier or the licensed therapist to see if they are included in my insurance plan. Hopefully I will be able to find out. The moral of this story: I can't complete step one. I can't tell the scheduler if it will be insurance pay or private pay.
Why won't they just take my money and let me go? Yet again: more info to come.
I did drop the weight lifting class I was taking through ACC. It was not working with my schedule. To compensate for this I joined 24 hour fitness. Nice facilities. I pass 2 Gold's Gyms to get to 24 hour...but 24 hour is month to month through my work corporate account and Gold's is by years, and 24 has a pool.
Truth:
I didn't eat breakfast this morning.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Health Screening
I got a call from my doctor's nurse yesterday about my lab results. I was really worried she was going to tell me that a) my fasting blood sugar was too high and i have diabetes now and/or b) my triglycerides are high. Well, these were all borderline ok, so I am in the clear on those for right now but my WBC's are high and my Na was low. So now i'm running around like Kermit with my hands over my head thinking I have cancer of the elbow or something traumatic like that. Ok, so I don't have cancer of the elbow, but these are weird results. I don't feel sick. So, more tests to come to help pin point the problem.
Truth
I've been eating Chuy's chips and salsa a little bit everyday to make up for the next 3 months of no chips and salsa.
Truth
I've been eating Chuy's chips and salsa a little bit everyday to make up for the next 3 months of no chips and salsa.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Start cont.
So at least two of these initial problems was solved almost right away. New friends from the coop. Up until this point in my life I had a tenancy toward friends who weren't good for me, but these new friends they might be the second best thing to ever happen to me (being born into a great family being the first). No back stabbing, no using people, no sleeping with boyfriends...in other words they were nice to me and respected the friendships they have with each other. From this great group of people emerged my bff, Sean, who was also at the top of my list of past and present bffs. His personality really complements mine. We make each other better people, help each other through the not so good times, he still laughs at my cheesy jokes, and he is understanding of my passion for perky blond girl heroes who save the day with perfect hair.
My group of friends has been together so long that we call each other family. I've known we have something most people don't have for a while. Most people don't have a group this large of people who are really close, work on their relationship every year (at least 2x a year), and have been friends this long (we're going on 9 years). The part I didn't realize was that my inability to make good friend choices was no longer a problem for me. If I was able to choose relationships like this, and keep them, I no longer had to fear my choice in friends.
Next...dropping out of school. That one was a really bad idea. It lead to many more dropping out of schools and a few where I just stopped going to class without dropping out. Bad for the GPA. Don't know why I couldn't finish what I started, but in the Spring of 2007 I went back to school, again, for like the 12 millionth time, but I finished the semester with my trademark A. I've now (almost) completed 3 consecutive semesters all with A's and I have plans to get an associates in nursing followed by a BSN in nursing.
So the last issue. The boyfriend. This is where the weight loss comes in. I've gained more than 100 pounds since the beginning of 2000. Due to all this weight i'm overly self conscious in the boyfriend department. I am not taking my clothes off in front of anyone right now. To be blunt. I want to have sex. I want the intimacy of a boyfriend relationship. I want to come home to someone who has opposable thumbs, helps with the chores, and makes my apartment less lonely. I read novels about it...I watch romantic comedies...I listen to my friends talk about their dating adventures. So, I'm loosing weight to increase my self esteem in this area. Slightly shallow, but still part of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
Why Now?
I went in to the doctor for back pain which was making me unable to walk. I should be able to walk. She hooked me up with a dr. prescribed weight loss program and some back stretches. Apparently my pelvis is tilted at the wrong angle. This weight loss program seems like it will be very hard. It's a liquid fast for like 12 weeks!!!! No food at all. No alcohol. Not even a celery stick. Only 800 calories a day. I never eat when i'm hungry. I always eat when I feel an emotion. So these 12 (why so long?) weeks will be me blogging to overcome my emotional binge eating. It will be like a big reset button for my emotions, my behavior, and my digestive system. I have my first meeting with the program people Thursday. I'm very nervous and scared. The program comes with group counseling, a nutritionist, and frequent dr. involvement to make sure my body's handling it all. We'll see what they have to say.
My group of friends has been together so long that we call each other family. I've known we have something most people don't have for a while. Most people don't have a group this large of people who are really close, work on their relationship every year (at least 2x a year), and have been friends this long (we're going on 9 years). The part I didn't realize was that my inability to make good friend choices was no longer a problem for me. If I was able to choose relationships like this, and keep them, I no longer had to fear my choice in friends.
Next...dropping out of school. That one was a really bad idea. It lead to many more dropping out of schools and a few where I just stopped going to class without dropping out. Bad for the GPA. Don't know why I couldn't finish what I started, but in the Spring of 2007 I went back to school, again, for like the 12 millionth time, but I finished the semester with my trademark A. I've now (almost) completed 3 consecutive semesters all with A's and I have plans to get an associates in nursing followed by a BSN in nursing.
So the last issue. The boyfriend. This is where the weight loss comes in. I've gained more than 100 pounds since the beginning of 2000. Due to all this weight i'm overly self conscious in the boyfriend department. I am not taking my clothes off in front of anyone right now. To be blunt. I want to have sex. I want the intimacy of a boyfriend relationship. I want to come home to someone who has opposable thumbs, helps with the chores, and makes my apartment less lonely. I read novels about it...I watch romantic comedies...I listen to my friends talk about their dating adventures. So, I'm loosing weight to increase my self esteem in this area. Slightly shallow, but still part of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
Why Now?
I went in to the doctor for back pain which was making me unable to walk. I should be able to walk. She hooked me up with a dr. prescribed weight loss program and some back stretches. Apparently my pelvis is tilted at the wrong angle. This weight loss program seems like it will be very hard. It's a liquid fast for like 12 weeks!!!! No food at all. No alcohol. Not even a celery stick. Only 800 calories a day. I never eat when i'm hungry. I always eat when I feel an emotion. So these 12 (why so long?) weeks will be me blogging to overcome my emotional binge eating. It will be like a big reset button for my emotions, my behavior, and my digestive system. I have my first meeting with the program people Thursday. I'm very nervous and scared. The program comes with group counseling, a nutritionist, and frequent dr. involvement to make sure my body's handling it all. We'll see what they have to say.
Proof Reading
note to self do before posting. The year in question was 1999's New Year. Probably more mistakes, but as I can't view the last post while i'm typing...no other fixes will be made at this time.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Start
It's scary to change. I'm certainly not into change. But I want a different outcome than I'm getting and to do this I have to change what I'm doing. Or at least that's the theory. I'm fat and unhappy. This blog is part of my emotional therapy to help me change. I actually started changing about a year ago. But I guess I should start at the beginning. I've looked back and this is, I believe, the event that started me down my weight gain.
My woes started New Years Eve in 2001 in New Orleans. I took a little trip with some friends to party it up for the non millennium new year. Between all the partying and the fun my group of friends deconstructed. We were a group of 4 people. We partied so hard in New Orleans that we reached that state of drama that can only be obtained from excessive partying. A few things happened:
1. Brittany tried to sleep with Bobby, the man I desired and while we weren't exactly dating, we spent all our time together (I know "he just wasn't that into me" but it felt like it....) In other words I acted like we were dating.
2. Brittany told me that I wasn't her best friend and that only I thought she was my best friend.
3. My group of friends broke up. I had lost all my friends since coming to college. (overly dramatic, but those were the times)
4. I dropped out of college.
This, I believe, is the impetus for the decline that followed in my life. More to come. I must study for a test tomorrow. After test more talk.
My woes started New Years Eve in 2001 in New Orleans. I took a little trip with some friends to party it up for the non millennium new year. Between all the partying and the fun my group of friends deconstructed. We were a group of 4 people. We partied so hard in New Orleans that we reached that state of drama that can only be obtained from excessive partying. A few things happened:
1. Brittany tried to sleep with Bobby, the man I desired and while we weren't exactly dating, we spent all our time together (I know "he just wasn't that into me" but it felt like it....) In other words I acted like we were dating.
2. Brittany told me that I wasn't her best friend and that only I thought she was my best friend.
3. My group of friends broke up. I had lost all my friends since coming to college. (overly dramatic, but those were the times)
4. I dropped out of college.
This, I believe, is the impetus for the decline that followed in my life. More to come. I must study for a test tomorrow. After test more talk.
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