Already Dreaming of Failure

At night I'm having problems getting to sleep. I lay away for hours thinking about food. Food that would ruin all my hard work. Food that I know is bad. I try to decide what my first meal will be once I'm off the fast. My first thoughts are never for it to be something healthy. So, I'll try to change what I'm thinking about. So I'll think about healthy foods. All I can do is think about what I'm not having even thought I'm not hungry. All these thoughts are not conducive to long term change. I'm already thinking about sabotaging my hard work once I'm into maintenance.

Last night I realized something. All these foods I think about are in the same portion size that got me here. None of the foods I've been thinking about are truly that bad for me, it's the amount I want to eat that is truly unhealthy. I not thinking about 5 wings and salad. It's 20 wings and a salad. It's not a taco or two...it's 6 tacos. It's not just a simple salad with lots of veggies, it's cheating with salad for days on end while on my fast. I have never dreamed so longingly for the chance to eat a salad. (The first week of transition you add back veggies one or two at a time.)

I've been stressed lately and my food obsession is coming out more and more as my stress level keeps increaseing as finals week approaches and as my application date approaches. I don't have food to fall back on to make me feel good. To make me feel full. I didn't start exercising on Tuesday like I thought. They said to wait another week, plus I had a test on Thursday and with my diet my brain's not as functional as usual, it's been preoccupied with food thoughts. But, I think with my stress level rising, I'm going to have to do something!!!

The good news is that I haven't acted. I keep taking it one day at a time. I'm missing my sleep, but I'm not hungry. This sounds very strange, but to motivate myself I look in the mirror. The face is one of the first things to change when you loose weight, so I'll look at myself and see that my face has changed. Then I'll think about the changes to come. I think about being able to buy a pair of jeans from a store other than Lane Bryant. I think about my new swim suit I want to buy in 6 weeks (right before Padre). I think that 12 weeks is not forever, no matter how long it may feel in the moment. And I think that I'm not giving anything up for forever. It's just a matter of moderation. Portion control. I think about the fact that my body is burning fat at this moment....and why would I want to stop that by eating something that would upset this process.

I think they lie. I don't think this gets any easier the longer I go. But then again, I didn't know if I would make it the first week and look at me on day 11. Only time will tell.