Day 3 of new diet plan

Eating is not as easy as it sounds. I haven't been 100% on plan for the first 2 days. Partially due to lack of access to information (I have my info now) and partially due to lack of planning. I know that this section of the weight loss plan will be more difficult than the fast every was (and maintenance will be even harder). I'm learning how to eat during the next (approximately) 130 days. At least now I can incorporate food into my diet (hooray!) though I still have shakes for at least half of my meals. My calorie count has gone from 800 to 1200. This comes out to about 2 pounds lost a week. This will be a bit slower, but more enjoyable. I can go out to eat, I don't have to act a fool in public with my 'I don't eat' slogan, in other words my eating habits will appear more normal.

My planning isn't totally done yet, but I did amend my OptiHealth Log to help me with more accurate documentation and it's easier to quickly view where I am in my eating for the day. From what I understand the first 1-2 weeks are usually a little off due to the learning curve. My goal for this first week is to not put on any weight. This may be difficult if I don't watch my Na intake...even though logically I'm not interested in water weight, I have become one of those crazy women who are fixated on that number that comes up on the scale so I'm not adding Na to my food. Not really a problem since I've been a super low Na diet for the last 3 months.

Confessional: The first thing I ate: my first Torchy's green chili pork taco. All I can say is that my love of tacos persists. Freaking amazing taco!

Time for a Change of Plan

I've been unable to reach my goals of being 100% on the fast these last couple of weeks. I've lost the mental focus you need to be on a 800 calorie liquid fast. Since I am unable to achieve my goal, I've been acting like Evil Carlee and letting everything go. So, I'm changing my goal to something achievable. I'm going to transition to Opti Health starting yesterday. I want to be successful and I think If I have an achievable goal, I'm more likely to stay on track and eat what I should eat. I've learned a lot from the fast, the only thing is to remember what I learned.

So, last night for supper I had a salad from central market topped with a salmon patty. Lean and green.

If

I can't keep a promise to myself, how can I trust myself? If I can't keep a promise to myself, can I keep promises for other people? Can other people trust me? If I can't keep a promise to myself, how can I expect other people to keep my promises? Are these things important?

Shakes-Not Steaks

Thanks Chick-Fil-A for supporting me. I finally found a picture of the billboard I drive past all the time (or at least one with the same message). I love it.

not eating

Sucks! I'm back at the beginning. You know what's truly sad...all that eating and not one taco. A true tragedy.

Now that I've been kinda hovering for the last two weeks, I'm beginning to see how much farther I have to go. I think I'm starting to actually see were I am. I tend to see myself as a stylized version of who I am when I see myself in my mind. There is a discontinuity between reality and my mind and I think I may be starting to bridge that gap (only in this one area-don't get too hopeful). Don't worry, I'm really glad for how far I've come so far. But, I'm starting to see where I started and it's a lot less pretty than it was in my mind. Reality sucks. My fantasy reality is so much more rosie and fun. Unfortunately, if I want reality and fantasy to match, I have to be able to at least view reality and maybe one day I'll learn to walk in it.

Day 72

Well, last week was a bust in the weight loss area. My weight was up over 8 pounds (I did not eat 8 pounds worth of food folks, most is water weight!) at my weigh in. I'm all back on track today. Only 12 more days of fasting then...dum dum dum...I start eating again. I'm getting ready to transition to Opti Health. Half shakes half food. It's a little scary, but it should reteach me how to eat correctly. Still scary after this last week when the camel got in and then ran wild. I'll probably do Opti Health for 4 to 5 months depending on weight loss and how well/quickly I learn.

In the mean time, here's a photo of me having fun.

Self Sabotage

I'm in self sabotage mode. Something I've done to myself a lot. Unfortunately, shoveling food into my face isn't as satisfying as it used to be. It didn't make me feel any better, in fact it's made me feel worse. It didn't solve any problems (shocking I know). I feel worse about my actions. My body is unhappy with me for eating badly, the whole system is off. I'll definitely gain weight this week...I overate and I didn't work out enough. This situation reminds me of wanting a cigarette while I'm sipping my beer and watching my friends smoke, and then I take a puff of someone's and it tastes bad, makes my head hurt and doesn't give me any satisfaction.

Some positives: It doesn't give me the satisfaction it once used to(No more positive reinforcement! No rewards for bad behavior!). I know eventually, with some more work, my actions will fall into line with my new way of life and the cravings for the old way of life will fall away and become someone I once was. The other positive: I'm stopping a self sabotaging cycle before it gets away from me. Usually I just let everything fall apart through apathy and laziness. I know I'll probably do this another couple of times before I truly learn this lesson, but I feel that although my weight will move backwards, maybe my mental abilities will be moving forward?

Day 1 all over again

Uughh. So since I've been back from Padre I've been eating food. Celery and bell peppers dipped in hummus mixed with tabbouleh...yum, but bad. Bad Carlee. So, I'm pretending like today is day 1 and I'm just taking it hour by hour so that I don't nibble, taste test or just plane eat. Shaking away one shake at at time.

I also haven't worked out this week, so I figure I'll have to go after work today so that I can get back into the groove. To loose weight you have to work out. No more lamenting the end of vacation, back to the daily grind.

Day 65

I'm so freaking excited. I ate dinner with everyone all week at Padre and I was the official taste tester, so I was expecting to gain a little bit of weight. It's inevitable that in a year long process that at least a couple of weeks would be gains cause a girl can't be strong every day. Plus in my mind, eating food equals weight gain...but, I lost 2 pounds last week!!!! This makes me feel so good. It makes me believe that I can eat food in moderation and still loose weight! It makes me a little less scared of transitioning to opti-health and then to maintenance. Also, I had so much fun this last week, I'm just in a good mood.

Only 19 more days of fast!

Vacation

I would talk about what I did while at Padre...but I'm too tired. Vacation wiped me out. I'll talk later.

2/3 fast done and 2/5 goal accompished

Whoo Hoo!!! I've lost over 40 pounds in the last 2 months. My waist is now under 40 inches (I lost 2 inches this last week!). My goal for Padre was to be under 250 and while I'm not exactly under 250, I can say that I have accomplished my mini goal. I'm very happy with the work I have put in so far and the results that have come of all this hard work. I am back to the weight I was about 2 years ago, and I fit into my Margaritaville skirt again (just in time if I do say so myself).

These great results make me realize that I have to make the most of my time on the fast and not to go overboard while at Padre this week. I talked to the behaviorist about Padre and I let her know that I plan on having a drink or two one day and that I might have a few bites of real food here and there. I plan on this because I know that Padre will be a bit harder than my normal life as I don't have my normal schedule and more emphasis on food and drink as the center of attention. So the goal is to savor a bite or two but to not go overboard. I truly believe I can do this. I am really looking forward to eating a shrimp! My only worry is that I will not be working out this week like I normally do, but it's vacation and I can live with it for one week (but not 2).

Where is the glass?

Half full or half empty? I oscillate between seeing how much work I've done and how much weight I've lost and seeing how much more work I have to do, how much longer it's going to take and how much weight I still have to loose. It's uncomfortable to have my self image swing so rapidly. I feel like it should be more constant. I do swing more towards the 'full' side than the 'empty' but the 'empty' is so much harder to handle, overcome and deal with. Maybe negativity got me where I am and it's a process not to think like that anymore. All I can do is put the work in everyday.

Truth or Dare

Truth: I ate 3 bites of pizza the other day. It was heavenly. Until it hit my small intestines. I'm not sorry nor do I regret that I did it. It was sooo freakin tasty. I have one more cheat for the week...I went out last night and I had about 100 calories worth of vodka and mixers. Totally worth it too. I sweat it all out on the dance floor so I'm not too worried about it. I'm still dehydrated from all the sweating I did yesterday.

My next hurdle: we decided last night that we would squeeze 5 people and 1 beagle into one car for the trip to south padre so that we could save on gas money. So I'm going to have to squeeze my booty into the back seat with two other people. Should be interesting, or at least compressing... This means that Matilda isn't going to get her highway miles I was hoping for her. I'll have to make it up to her later this summer with a trip somewhere. I've been working on my tan for Padre so that I don't burn (and once I'm burned I'm out of the sun which is going to be my main activity as I can't eat or drink). So I'm super excited. Should be fun.